One thing I’ve learned this summer is that absolutely nothing should get in the way of fun, least of all something as trivial as height (or lack thereof). So to all my fellow fun-sized humans out there, consider these tips your general guide to festival fun, whether they involve listening to music, throwing tomatoes, or running with bulls.
1. STRATEGISE. Any disadvantages can be overcome with the right strategy. Just ask Napoleon. When you get to the festival, ask yourself, where should I stand to get the best view of the band? Which tree do I have to climb for optimum wine throwing? Where do I position myself along the Bull Run in order not to get trampled by a 600-pound horned animal? Consider these points carefully, and maximum good times shall be yours.
2. FORGET ABOUT HIGH HEELS. Although the temptation to sling them on may be strong, especially when you’re at street parties surrounded by seven-foot-tall undiscovered Czech supermodels, DON’T. Trust me, with all the walking, jumping and dancing you’ll be doing, you will NOT have a good time. Especially when you find yourself on the sidewalks of San Sebastian at 6 am wanting nothing but the comfort of your tent…which is in the next town, 12 miles away.
3. RED BULL IS YOUR FRIEND. Like I said, you’ll be doing a lot of walking, jumping and dancing. But we the vertically-challenged will need to jump higher, dance harder and walk two steps for everyone else’s one. So load up on those energy drinks. A splash of vodka won’t hurt either.
4. DON’T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYONE. Isn’t it annoying how everyone thinks they can push your around just because you’re tiny? Just like that bitch who pushed me off a platform while I was innocently dancing to the Chemical Brothers at BBK Live 2011. Guess who got a glass of beer thrown in her face by a ninja who then vanished into the crowd? Damn straight.
5. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS (AND STRANGERS). When life gives you lemons, you make Tequila shots. And when tall Australians ask you if you want to go on their shoulders, you say yes. To Rory, Twizz, Jakey, Jayden and all the other generous giants I met over the summer, thank you for the best seat in the house. I mean field.
6. PICK A GOOD GROUP OF HUMANS, AND STICK WITH THEM. Cheesy as it sounds, it really is about who you’re with. And none of this summer’s adventures would have been possible without all the beautiful people at Stoke Travel. So if you ever find a group this good, you do anything you can not to lose them in the crowd. Follow silly hand signals, tie yourselves together, and make sure that “goodbye” really just means, “see you at the next festival.”